When the Mind Is a Wonderland

I am totally all over the place tonight, not in a bad way—yet at least, but pondering, wondering, thinking, bouncing things all around in my head.
I used to believe a beautiful creature merited more compassion than an ugly one, but I suppose that idea has been challenged in the last 4 months and I no longer believe that…
So it’s like anniversary time of the year….What is it with this time of the year that it seems everything is a remembranceof things past, fear of what negative thing is to come this year etc..etc.. The last Sunday in October was when Loren Rebecca shot herself – of course, that’s been years ago, I was 15, but yeah, still--the weather that makes me think of that day, or sound of a low flying helicopter, then bam, the image of my best friend dead– images of ½ her face blown off and blood everywhere, image of horror on her grandparents face, me just standing back watching everything from EMT’s to the helicopter, to my just wanting everyone to leave so I could touch her, to my being left alone, alone waiting for my sister to come take me home-- I did run my fingers through the blood on the wall and it was cold and tacky by then , and the sheriff that was there told me to leave when he caught me– it’s like that clicks over and over and over and over. I was I wasn’t a visual person – meaning visually I can remember most everything.Of course follows the dreams of me being shot in the head—they are so weird—I wish I had zombie, robot dreams, but I don’t – I have realistic dreams that sometimes when I wake up I am still stuck in the emotion of the dream (if that makes sense) But yea, getting shot in the head- it’s always this peaceful feeling in the dream before someone pulls the trigger then it’s like even in the dream when the gun goes off, I sigh, smile, then ‘hear’ the bullet go through my head—I always wake up with this eerie peaceful feeling – kind of creepy.
I have this weird obsession with this psychiatrist on youtube.. he’s fascinating to...