Living a Lie

I've always known that I was different from other boys. It started at a young age perhaps at age 6.

I've always been told that I was different to other boys but these
comments came across as more of a criticism rather than an
acknowledgment. From a young age I was in love with barbies and dress up in womens' clothing. I simply love all feminine things-anything I see as pretty I latched onto it.

I remember seeing hot guys in music videos in the late 80s but I never assumed or thought of myself as gay...just different I guess.

In 1997 I found myself having these attractions to males which was
confusing because previously I had loved girls, they were the gender
that turned me on...now this sudden change, I didn’t know what to make out of all this. I felt a range of emotions; anger, disgust, self
loathing, confusion and I felt scared and lost. I wanted to tell someone but I was too young back then.

I thought I was being "naughty" in having these attractions. It wasn’t so much in the attraction, but it was what I was attracted to that was the problem. I felt scared of people hating me, treating me differently and perhaps not being nice to me anymore if I told them I was gay.

My self loathing went on for 3 yrs until in 2000 I felt tired of hating
and beating myself over something that I had no control over so I just accepted that I was gay. Then in 2002 I came out to my parents and told them the sad news. They refused to believe it. They thought I was trying to get more attention out of them .

Later they reckon I was confused, or that I read too much books and that it has brainwashed me. But when after all the yelling and tears and dramas in the house, they finally believed me but my father said I had to be straight or he'll disown me and that I'll be kicked out.

I have no choice. I was still going to school, and I had no money to
rent a room so to speak so I just agreed to be straight-a lie of course but what can I do?

I...