Black Spot on the Family

I know i am a black spot on my family. My family hates me. They hate me more than anything else in this world. This is what i feel may be i am wrong but i have no clue.

I have always been nothing for them and i was counted invisible. Sometimes it becomes difficult for me to live with them. I guess death is more appealing and nice then living.

I know the reasons but some reasons are still hidden from me. I don't know

"why they hate me so much?"

but i guess i have done something really awful.My mother was the only one who was with me and at my side in every case but now as i lost her , i got know one to stand for me.

My relatives call me big zero. My father thinks that i am a burden on my family and i am nothing except a big expense. I am sorry i cannot act like a slave. My decision of choosing education affected my family .

They wanted me to leave studies because i was never good at them. You can say i am an average student and i have always been an average student. My art and my creativity was the biggest obstacle in the path of my family. They hated my art and indirectly me and i was the one doing all these things which they didn't liked.

They feel shame in walking with me. Am i that bad?

Sometimes i feel like a garbage shit and i hate the day i was born as my mother got more ill after that. I have nothing to offer. I don't look like a dude. I have seen myself in the mirror and i hate myself for making myself nothing except a zero.

People like me do not deserve life. My mother deserved life as she was the most wonderful woman but god got jealous because she was with me and she died. I feel pathetic when i see my life.

There is no bonding at all. I cannot handle the insult and arrogance of my family. They say i am a third class person and it hurts. They say that i do not deserve anything.

I know that i am bad. I understand that i am not smart like other guys. I was always kept away from sports and recreational activities because...