The Normal Man

Once upon a time a scary old woman and a scary old man lived in an old shack forty miles east of Dallas. One day a normal mans' car broke down in front of their home. He had a tie a business suit and tidy brown hair.  
He walked up to the old shack looking for assistance. The scary old woman and scary old man wanted to eat him, for they were cannibals, and very hungry. The normal man was very frightened and proceeded to run away.   "Oh god! Shit!" He shouted as the old scary woman and the old scary man took chase. The scary couple yelled "You aint gawnna get faw boi!"
Breathing very hard he ran down the secluded dirt road when he came to a farmer. He asked him for help. "Oh god! Sir you have to help me. Call the sheriff's department!" The farmer smiled and pulled a scythe out of his trousers. He was also a cannibal and very good at dealing death with farm tools. The normal man continued to run, urinating while doing so.
The normal man decided to change course and walk into the dry bushes on the roadside. He could hear the old scary woman the old scary man and the famer shouting in the distance. In a panic he hid in the dry bushes.  
He hid there for over an hour until he couldn't hear the shouting anymore. He slowly got up poking his head out of the brush. The moment he stood erect a bullet whizzed by his ear. A hunter nearly landed a headshot. The normal man stumbled into the dirt, still getting shot at but was able to escape. "Ov'r ear!" The hunter called to his friends.
The normal man barely gets away from the hunter. He is now very far from the road and finding landmarks is very hard. Soon he hears water from a river, soon after that he finds the river. However it is much too wide and fast for him to cross in his own.
The normal man looks around and sees a child playing by the river. Against his better judgment he asks the child if he knew a way across the river. "Sure mister I got a boat just down the way." Even now the normal man feared his...