Its Alll About Me

I wanted to write some big fancy speech with intense metaphorical value.   But to tell you the truth, I'm all speeched out.   I could get this out of the way by saying how much high school was a drag and how I hated such and such and so and so.   But that has no meaningfulness, no lasting quality--it doesn't leave you with a profound thought or insight into something you never thought of before.   So I've set out today to tell you about myself-- things you might've assumed just by taking a look at me or by observing my behavior, or things you might've never even guessed at.

I'm not the person I project to be.   I'm a self-righteous, conceited attention-whore.   I have no tact and am as hypocritical as the US government.   I'm not a very happy person and the only friends I have are still with me because I can easily take advantage of them.   What's worse is that I maintain that I am who I am and that I cannot change that.

I have to be in control.   It's the biggest insecurity that I have.   Every irrational behavior is due to this inexplicable need I have to be in control, to be in charge, to make the calls, to be front and center, to be in the lime light, to be noticed.   Every other charge I've made against myself is then tangled in an endless cycle--all ending up at the need to be in control for attention.

It's not like I don't get enough attention.   Seriously, my ego would probably weigh about 1000 tons if it were a tangible thing.   It's that I can't get enough attention.   And that's because I have this fear of being forgotten, of not being wanted.   I desperately cling to the past hoping that nothing will change when it is always changing.   I'm afraid that things will change and that the people I love will no longer want me.   And you want to know what the ironic thing is?   I push those people away so I won't have to deal with the anguish of not being wanted.

With all the bad, there is a glimmer of good.   I suppose I can even be nice and pleasant if the mood...