How to Write an Essay on What You Want to Be When You Grow Up

We are supposed to get peer feedback, but I've had it posted all week in class and no one has responded. I appreciate any comments. It is a narrative essay for english comp. We had to choose from three subjects write about an experience with bias, write about an experience with or in nature, or write about an experience where you accomplished something or felt proud of yourself. We are also supposed to use first person. My essay is below please let me know what you think. Thank you!


Narrative Essay


As a child when asked what it is you want to be when you grow up, most children do not respond with "a career in financial services". Like most children I responded with jobs that seemed fun at the time. My first choice was a choreographer, second naturally rock star, but the third and most important choice was a doctor. This choice wasn't made because my family coached me into it thinking that I would be better off financially for it, no this decision came from my keen interest in how the human body works. Although this was my dream, I ended up going the opposite way as an adult.
As an adult, who also happened to be a teenage parent, financial services was hiring with a salary I could not say no to. At first, it seemed to be a pretty decent career. A large cubicle, reminiscent of Office Space, large sums of cash directly deposited into my bank account on the first and the fifteenth of every month, and the kind of benefits that the average worker can only dream of. The key word was "seemed".
I started in this industry at the ripe old age of nineteen. Happy to be a trainee at one of Forbes top companies, learning how borrowing money really worked, driving a brand new car, and ( something no one else I knew at the time could claim) living on my own. Being young had me believing this was the kind of opportunity that most people hoped for.
Unfortunately, after two years and two small promotions, I began to realize that I was looking for more than this company...