Henry Potty and the Pet Rock an Unauthorized Harry Potter Parody for All Ages

Author’s Note: The characters in this story are trained professionals. They have a great deal of experience at flying on vacuum cleaners, creating hot dogs by magical means, or scheming to achieve eternal life and total world domination. Please, do not try these things at home.
Supplementary Note: Adults, don’t worry. This book is rated G and perfectly suitable for children of all ages. Children, don’t worry. If your parents try to sneak the book away so that they can read it themselves, you can always hide it under the floorboards of a haunted, abandoned mansion with rhinoceros guards in pink polka-dot bathing suits to prevent anyone from taking it. Or failing that, it’s small enough to go under your pillow.
Supplementary Supplement: This book has been translated from American English into British English. From there it was translated into English English, and then went through a brief stint in Swedish, just for a change of pace. After that, it was translated back into American English with possible lapses, and currently exists as the original draft that you hold in your hands.
Supplement to the Supplementary Supplement: This is a work of fiction. However, all characters are probably disturbingly similar to characters you’ve seen in other places. Try not to be alarmed. After all, even serious characters need a vacation.
PS: Let’s get on with the story already, shall we?
The world is full of miracles. When you buy a cinema hot dog and it’s actually flexible, that is a miracle. When you tell the telemarketer that you’re not interested, and he says, oh, okay, sorry to bother you, that’s a miracle. When you get a letter in the mailbox saying you may have won a new car, that’s just junk mail, we don’t care about that right now.
On the steps of number 23232323.32 Privy drive, Somewhere in England, (land of Shakespeare, British accents, and saying crisps when you mean chips) a baby left in an...